Hopefully, if you click on the above picture, it will lead you to some MTV site that has the David Lee Roth video for Yankee Rose… the opening bit is easily the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen…
WHY CAN’T THAT DAVID LEE ROTH BE HOSTING A MORNING TALK SHOW, INSTEAD OF A GUY WITH A COMB OVER… I WANT DIAMOND DAVE, NOT MY UNCLE LARRY!!!
Although, NOT a Heineken, some sort of Special Edition Pete’s Wicked Ale… even worse
Do Not Accept Tea From This Man!!!
It will only turn you into cake!
I had no idea how easy it is to take cheap shots at the stereotype about Asians eating cats & dogs… AND IT KEEPS GETTING EASIER!
People keep asking me, “McCarthy! WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE MILLION DOLLAR BELT?”
See, the world is filled with it’s fair share of eccentric millionaires, and professional wrestling is no different.
Here we have “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase, like many eccentric millionaires, he wears custom made sequin suits covered in dollar signs. He could have anything in the world he wanted… EXCEPT FOR THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD!
That belonged to The Immortal Hulk Hogan.
Genuis that he was, Dibiase had a plan. He would pay Andre the Giant to win the Heavyweight belt for him!
Andre, a whore for money, was happy to turn on his one time friend, Hogan.
WHAT? No, it’s not a mugging! That black man works for The Million Dollar Man! Meet Virgil, Dibiase’s bodyguard/indentured man servant, nothing racist there! JUST BRILLIANT CAPITALIST EVIL!
THE MAIN EVENT: Andre had Hogan down for the count… 1-2-3!!! WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOGAN GOT HIS SHOULDER UP, but the referee, Dave Hebner, ignored it and awarded the belt to Andre!! Then, Andre IMMEDIATELY surrendered the belt to The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase!!!
BUT HOGAN HAD HIS SHOULDER UP!!! WHAT THE FUCK REF???
…wait a minute…
WHY ARE THERE TWO DAVE HEBNERS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
DIBIASE!!! YOU SCUM!!! IT WAS ALL PART OF HIS PLAN!!!
Using the millions of dollars at his disposal, The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase paid to have a homeless man’s face and body surgically altered to appear to be WWF Official Dave Hebner!! THE LENGTHS HE WOULD GO TO AND THE LOWS HE WOULD HIT!
WWF President Jack Tunney conducted an internal investigation and degreed that the match was a gross miscarriage of justice and declared that not Ted Dibiase, nor Andre the Giant, NOR EVEN HULK HOGAN was heavyweight champion. Instead, the title was vacant!!
THIS CALLS FOR A TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS!!!
And wouldn’t you know it, The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase made it all the way to the FINALS and he blew it and The Macho Man Randy Savage won the belt… Looks like Dibiase would never be a champion…
OH NO? GUESS AGAIN!
WHAMO! Once again, utilizing his cunning and capitol, The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase designed, constructed, and furnished his OWN championship belt, made of solid gold, diamonds, and ego!
Kind of a dick move, actually… I mean, he can’t get the job done, so he pays Andre to do it, then that blows up in his face, so he wrestles ALL NIGHT at the tournament, then chumps out and gets blasted there… so he makes up a championship of his own?
That’s something your mom would do, you know? What the fuck?
THEN… THE UNTHINKABLE… VIRGIL REVOLTS!!!
AND DEFEATS THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN FOR HIS OWN MILLION DOLLAR BELT!!!
oh Ted…
Things didn’t get much better for The Million Dollar Man. His stocks began to plummet, his bank accounts froze, his financial problems mounted to such heights that he eventually had to form a Tag Team with his accountant, Irwin R. Shyster.
What goes around comes around… lesson learned by all.
SO THAT’S ALL FOR NOW!
Be sure and come back next time all you NON Professional Wrestling Fans, and find out how this once lovable mentally challenged patriot sold out his beliefs in democracy and freedom in favor of feudalism!
Look at Matsui! Totally BUSTED trying to hide his lunch in his glove!
“UGGGGGGGGGGGH- OK McCarthy-son, we get it already, Asians eat cats & dogs, enough already…”
Show me… PAINT THE FENCE!!!
OK! So, Mr… Angus Young? Excellent, OK, Mr. Young, we’ll get you situated here… Great, let me get the guitar ready…
FANTASTIC! 13 PINTS! A NEW RECORD!
Don’t forget your sticker, Mr. Young!
…um… Mr. Young?
Fill the spider-hole with ice and brews, cause me & the butcher got some rockin’ to do-zzzz!
